People Want To Take Care of Other People

Umi bought a new type of body wash the other day. Its yellow, below expensive and it promised to provide several types of bathing experience.

It is scented. Smells like my ex-girlfriend. Not the one who tied me onto the bed, but the one who I push down onto the bed.

It was the closest thing to being a rock star.

We had problems. She drank too much. She took pills to help her cope with trauma of rape. She left Kota Kinabalu for Kuala Lumpur, trusted a friend, went partying, got high, and that friend left her to the mercy of three men.

The pills made her numb, I think. Not completely, but partially. She always appeared to be just on the brink of sincere emotion, except when we were intimate.

When I kissed her, when she clutch my fingers tightly while I made her come, when she rested her head on my chest, that's when I saw who she really was.

But outside of that, she lived in a shell.

I saw her cry several times. Woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat, then tiba-tiba hit me for reasons only God knows why.

A very bad dream.

Then dia menangis. Ambil kain, soaked it in water, cranked the fan full speed and wet her entire body till she calmed down.

I would try to pull her close, and she curled her body into mine. We were only for six months or so, but we jaga each other like we had been together for years.

Like children, we never said "I love you". It was strange.

I asked her once if she believed ada hikmah di sebalik sesuatu, and coldly she answered no. That was in such a manner that I knew she wasn't lying.

It was the first time I knew we wouldn't end up together.

Scientist could say that the strongest human sense is smell, but really I think it's loss. The sense of loss and the scent of it - haunting.

It only halts when you reach the bottom of the ocean.